Relationship Frankenstein

Hello friends, family, the loved and unloved, hopeless romantics, and the just plain hopeless. If you fit the profile of any of the distinguished individuals I just mentioned, or belong to any subculture of successful or unsuccessful relationships, this is the blog for you. I wanted to write this first post to explain the origins of my invented term "Relationship Frankenstein." You see, I believe we form relationship and dating ideology based on bits and pieces we extract from past relationships. Some of us choose to only dwell on the negative aspects of said relationships (full disclosure that used to be me) and some of us tend to focus only on the positives of past relationships. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. The ideas we formulate extend from our earliest relationship, our parents, and continue to form and develop as we experience life, love, and the pursuit of what we imagine happiness to be. Dr. Frankenstein sought a greater understaning of the world around him through science. We choose love and relationships as our guide. Dr. Frankenstein used an unorthodox scientific experiment to create his "monster". We use similar unorthodox experiments and methods to create our relationship "monster". Relationships are not an exact science. As with any experiment there is trial and error. You make mistakes and use the data from those mistakes to get closer to a formula that works. The problem Dr. Frankenstein had is the same problem we all seem to have, over-ambitiousness. We want perfection. So much so that we sometimes miss obvious missteps that take us back to the drawing board farther behind than when we started. And in some instances we end up creating something that is worlds apart from what we originally envisioned. Dr. Frankenstein created a life using body parts he harvested from the deceased. He was a frequent visitor of graveyards. We create new relationships using our experiences from the past, dead relationships. This isn't a bad thing, that is, if you choose the right past situation to pull knowledge from. But we all choose the right one every time, right? That's the challenge. Getting to the point where you can understand where YOU made the right/wrong decision and apply it in a positive way to future relationships. But if you're like me, and i'm sure you are, it's gonna take you a while to recognize and make the right decisions. Unfortunately most of foucus on either the positive or negative from past relationships. Soley focusing on either is a recipe for disaster. Let's explore my path, the the negative. Dr. Frankenstein created a monster and was horrifired at what he'd made. My story is no different. When I was young, fifteen to be exact, my parents separated. It wasn't a surprise or shock because it was evdent to me around the age of eight that a separation was needed. I was actually excited because I figured i'd get two christmas, thanksgivings, and birthdays. I'd hit the jackpot! But to my dismay my dad reveled in his new bachelor's status so I didn't see him a lot and my mom worked long hours so we didn't get to spend the kind of time together that I would've liked. This was the first body part for my personal Relationship Frankenstein monster. Before this i'd never really felt any true relationship hurt. I was a tough kid, or least I thought, and i felt I couldn't be hurt...but I was. So it was then, this fifteen year old kid vowed to never let anyone get that close to him again beause people can only hurt you if you let them in. Let me say up front that I do not blame my parents for my early relationship struggles. The point i'm trying to make is that I chose to dwell on the negative aspect of this situation and use it as an excuse throughout my life to not move forward in my relationships. This is what pulling out only the negative of a past relationship will do to you. I started dating early in life, fifteen to be exact, and had many quickie relationships. My longest was two months. All great girls that I couldn't commit to. It was this way into my mid twenties. Woman after woman I remained non committal. "I didn't wanna get hurt again" was my war cry. I didn't know I had issues I needed to get past until I moved to San Francisco. I was twenty five. I met a young lady and it was love at first sight for both of us. I'd never felt that way before. Not in control. It was intense. The kind of intense that will hurt you if you let her in. So being the genius I was I avoided her like the plague, even dated her friends, but she would not give up. She fought hard for me, which I found extremely admirable and I eventually gave in. I gave in because I knew i'd be leaving to move back to my home town of Chicago a week later. I came back to Chicago because the music scene was better here (i'm a musician), but I also knew that if I stayed in California this woman could become my long term girlfriend, then my fiance, and eventually (gulp) my wife. And who wants that? You'd have to let your wife in and she could eventually hurt you some way. After a year passed I realized i'd made a mistake by not allowing myself to explore that relationship and seeing where it went. Let it run it's course. I let the negative stop me from moving forward. That's when I first realized the monster i'd created. There is good and bad in all relationships. Friendships, family, love relationships, none are immune from dissappointment or troubled times. But when you take only the negative aspects from a past relationship and constantly apply them to current and future relationships you don't allow yourself to move forward in a new relationship. How many times have you brought the negative traits of a former partner to a new relationship and tried to paint your current partner with the same broad brush? You can't see them for who they are because you're constantly seeking ways they negatively remind you of an ex. You find every way possible to make them out to be "just as bad" before truly getting to know them. It's a defense mechanism. You don't want to be hurt again so you find a reason to sabotoage your new relationship before you get hurt. Now let's take a look at just focusing on the positives of past relationships. After Dr. Frankenstein created his moster he soon felt that his monster needed a mate. Once we become Relationship Frankensteins of course we need a mate. If you just focus ONLY on the positives you run the risk of always looking for the best in someone when they may show obvious signs of being someone you don't need to waste time and energy on and that don't have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately i've met a lot of women who fall into this category. One that stands out is a very beautiful, talented, and smart woman that i'd met through a business venture of mine. She was gorgeous, funny, intelligent, and ready to take on the world. Yet, she was the mistress of a guy who had absolutely nothing going on, could care less how she felt, he was grotesque, and had a very unattractive girlfriend that he was not going to leave for her. So I kept in touch with her to try and talk her through this lapse in judgement but it did no good. She remaine in that relationship for two years feeding the Frankenstein monster she'd created. When I asked her why she was staying in the relationship she responded, "deep down inside I know he loves me and will eventually leave her for me because i'm better." It never happened. She stayed because she only focused on the positives. He complimented her constantly, made her feel special, and gave her the boyfriend experience. But the negatives, that she couldn't see somehow? He has a girlfriend that he's cheating on, with you, that he will not leave for you. He doesn't respect your feelings because he's making you the other woman. And he's not strong enough to let you go even though you don't have the strength to walk away. Sadly I have a large mumber of stores similair to this one. I wondered what made her so tolerant of being treated this way so I dug into her past during conversation and found out there was never a strong male role model in her life, including her father, so she never felt she understood how men expressed love. Wanting a working relationship so badly she willingly overlooked the obvious destruction tis relationship was causing her. So because of the Relationship Frankenstein she created this "relationship" she was involved in was exquisite. Thankfully she did eventually ended the relationship and is now happily married to a good guy. She didn't allow that bad experience to stop her from moving forward. Finding that balance between the positve and negative of past relationships is a delicate process and it doesn't come without a little bit of struggle. It takes time along with trial and error to get it right. I know i'm light years ahead of where I was and i'm excited about where i'm headed. I wouldn't change my experiences for anything in the world because those experiences, good and bad, gave me the knowledge I have today and will benefit both myself and the women I date in the future. I want to use this blog to share my experiences past and present and hopefully assist my fellow Relationship Frankensteins in gaining control of their monster.